Each time I think about deleting this blog forever, I come here I think about everything I've written. And then I read a comment saying it's been nearly a year to the day that I've been gone, and asks if I'm still alive. And then I want to write again.
I forgot about these lists I've been writing, but when I checked the next topic on this list, a few journeys immediately came to mind.
1. My first solo long-distance drive: This was about two years ago now. I was in the northern part of the province for a conference and had driven up with a colleague. She had to stay for another night, and I needed to get back home. I was extremely nervous, but coped by compulsively referring to Google Street View to look at all the turns, merges, and possible trouble spots. I likely made the journey, virtually, four or five times. There was no way I was going to get lost. I made several mixed CDs, and obsessively checked to see if I had everything I needed. I set off, nervously. I was on my way. Now, the journey home - that is to say, the highway - is full of small villages. This causes the speed limits to go up and down like a rollercoaster: 90 to 60 to 70 to 100 to 50. And being a new driver, there was no way in hell I would chance speeding, even though everyone does. I pulled over several times throughout the journey to let cars pass me. On the shoulder of the road, I'd take some deep breaths, flex my white knuckled fingers, and continue on, telling myself that I was doing just fine. I was slightly concerned that it was taking me so long to get home. What should have been a 3 hour drive was well over 4 hours with my uber-cautious driving. The sun was beginning to set, and I was worried that wildlife may start to appear. I did, however, eventually reach my destination. After filling the tank and dropping off the rental, I waited for the familiar, comfortable bus, my head pounding, my muscles sore from tension, but fiercely proud that I made it.
2. My first trip to SH: It was just after Christmas (of 2003 - I had to actually consult the blog - and I'm reeling of how long it's been). It was only weeks after meeting MW, but I had decided to at least visit this little village to see what it was like, and to see if I could find a place to live. We took the longest route possible, but it was also the most scenic. I have a clear memory of looking out over the ocean during one of our pit stops and wondering if this was something I could really do. Could I live alone, isolated and poor, doing work I'd never done before, all the while leaving a rather large piece of my heart back home? These thoughts cycled through my head the whole way. Once we arrived in town, everything moved quickly. I met my soon-to-be new boss and neighbour, found an amazing house, and then I realized that yes, I could do this. Panic and heartbreak soon set in, but I was so fortunate to have my mother there to support me. I'm sure at that time she didn't think my relationship with MW would last, but it did. I have no regrets about my time there, or about leaving.
3. Last year's trip to Montreal, or pretty much any voyage by train: I love traveling by train. I love traveling by train when I can afford a compartment for myself. Last year I blew the bank by traveling to Montreal for the weekend to spend some time indulging with a friend. This trip was a bit of a nail biter as I hadn't reserved the compartment early enough, so I was hoping to luck out on one after I had boarded the train. After much drama, a room did open up for me, and luckily enough I had the cash on hand to pay for it. There's nothing like it. In a private room, you can stretch out, while the country snaps past you. Often, it's forest, but early in the morning, you can see amazing sights: The sun rising over mountains, expanses of farm land, swarms of birds cutting through the sky. I hope to someday be able to take a cross-country train tour.
4. The journey I've taken with MW: So, some big news here that happened while I've been neglecting the blog. After eight years, MW and I are now engaged. TO. BE. WED. I'm not going to lie, I have some moments of shock and confusion, but I have no hesitation that this is the man I want to share the rest of my life with. Though, it has been a journey. There has been amazing, beautiful, real moments. And there have been moments of terror and hurt and sadness. And we are still here, and we are still here for each other. And it's funny, now that we are engaged. I feel like that while up to this point we have been on this journey together - swerving, slowing down, speeding up, blasting the music with the windows down, the engagement is just that extra little bit of security. We are mutually agreeing to fasten our seat belts together, and continue on the journey, knowing that we are safe with each other.
5. The journey of being me: Seeing as how I'm not that well traveled, I thought I'd go existential on this last one. Do you realize I started this space in 2003? I would have been 23 when I started this blog, and I'm now 32. That has been a great journey, I must say. I like to think I've created someone who is pretty great. I feel like I have an impact on my world. I feel loved and valued, and I have support when I feel alone or powerless or angry. I remember having a conversation with a group of older women just as I was turning 30. I was full of self reflection and ennui about entering my third decade. These women, dressed in their ironed pants with sharp creases, and beautiful, real jewelry, all of whom were no less than 40, assured me that your 30s are a great time in your life. You've developed your identify, you are confident in making your own choices, and you are uncompromising. Now, two years in, I'm inclined to agree with them.
